


Smut, Humour and Misfire Miscellany - Kinkmeme Fills

by LadyLustful



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2018-12-20 13:00:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11921436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful
Summary: An anthology of Assassin's Creed kinkmeme fills.Mostly porn, crack and crackporn.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Assassin_J](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Assassin_J/gifts), [invisible_cities](https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_cities/gifts), [missawsomnes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missawsomnes/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Combines these prompts:  
> http://asscreedkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/2158.html?thread=12580974#cmt12580974  
> http://asscreedkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/2158.html?thread=12581230#cmt12581230  
> Plus you get Abstergo employees having names and personalities.

He was running. Running in the featureless darkness of the Animus loading screen while the machine worked its magic to deliver him into the memories of a 18th century pirate.  
And then he was in bed, hot and sweaty and rock-hard, mouth teasing Anne Bonny's breasts with licks and bites as someone (Rackham, Kenway's mind supplied), kissed the back of his neck and fucked him open with agile, oil-slicked fingers.  
"Dear god what the fuck?" shouted Lars as he desynched suddenly and sat up in the animus.  
"Are you allright?", Dominique, his boss, leaned over him with concern, ample breasts held back by a modest white blouse with a cross-shaped red brooch.  
"Um, uh, yeah. I'm... I'm fine. I just don't know whether to be worried, apalled, aroused, or pretend I didn't see it."  
"It being?" Dominique probed.  
"Kenway getting fingered by Rackham while he sucked Anne's tits", mumbled Lars, embarrassed, half-hard and more than a little weirded-out. He could still half-feel the fingers inside him, a distant ghost of a sensation.  
"Aroused I think. Most people, myself included, would pay good money for that kind of porn."  
"I suppose it is hot in a way", Lars conceded, not wanting to admit how much the memory had affected him.  
"Do you think there is more of it?"  
Lars thought back to all the dalliances he had witnessed despite having only been Edward for a week, dick perking up even more at the memory of the beautiful ladies and the filthy things they were willing to do. For someone who supposedly loved one woman, the pirate sure got around a lot.  
"I'd say yes, definitely."  
"Enough to make an entire game?", scratch embarrassing, this conversation was heading full speed past mortyfing and into straight-up freaking weird.  
"Probably?"  
"That's great," Dominique beamed, her expression somewhere between orgasmic and straight-up insane. "We are going to make the best pirate porn game ever and are going to make money money money off it. Loads and loads of money! Yay for manslut assassins and their orgies!"


	2. The Temptation of Shaun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fill for this: http://asscreedkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/2158.html?thread=12580974#cmt12580974

'Dear god what the fuck?', Shaun blurted out at the sight of Desmond, Lucy and Rebecca intertwined on what he hoped like hell was not his sleeping bag.  
"Fuck would be about right", said Rebecca, twisting around where she sat on the ex-bartender's face. "Uh, oh, fuck, right there," she moaned as the man apparently got _something_ right with his tongue, and ground down.   
"I do not know whether to be worried, appalled, aroused, or pretend I didn't see it."   
"Aroused, definitely", Lucy released Desmond's dick from her mouth with an obscene wet pop, stroking it as she spoke. "We are all hot people and there is nothing wrong with sex that everyone enjoys. Everything is permitted, right?"   
"I suppose it is hot in a way", Shaun conceded.   
"Come on", continued Lucy. "Get out of those clothes and join us. We could use another cock, especially in my pussy", she spoke, ignoring Rebecca moaning and rocking through her orgasm. "Or if you're gay, you could always fill Desmond's ass. It's a nice ass. Feels like it will squeeze off my fingers."   
Shaun noticed that two fingers of her other hand were indeed buried inside the man.   
"Join us", muttered Desmond, surfacing from between Rebecca's thighs, pussy juice and what might have been his own cum on his face. "It'll be a proper orgy."   
"Yay for orgies", Rebecca flopped down on her side beside Desmond. "Give me a moment and I can finger you, Luce."


	3. Abstergo Adult Entertainment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Abstergo Adult Entertainment is born and Haytham Kenway is not too prim to be kinky

"You want to start an adult branch of Abstergo Entertainment?"

"Well, when you put it like that, why not? Edward Kenway certainly gives us enough material to make an entire virtual reality porn game or a couple. And we could use the Ezio footage, too. The man may be too proper an assassin to be of any propaganda use, but he certainly knows how to screw. And sex sells."

"Using footage of the Assassin Grandmaster to fund the  Templar cause? That's so wonderfully devious."

"Not the Grandmaster I think. Probably. Though we could make something about Altair. He's a creepy, ax-crazy psycho, sure, but some find them sexy. I mean, look at Fifty Shades of Gray..."

"I'd really rather not, if you don't mind."

"...and there must be other assassins who had interesting sex lives. Or Templars? Am I allowed to make porn with Templars?"

"As long as it's not too perverted and doesn't show the order in a bad light."

"Does a being ridden by a hot Native woman on a church roof  while not allowed to move, speak or come qualify as perverted?"

"I don't want to know. Wait, Haytham Kenway? He seems too prim to be kinky."

"Yeah. But Ziio's not."

*** 

"Yes, yes, yes!  I am going to make Assassin porn!" Grins Dominique as she exits the office.

"How long?"

"What?"

"How long did he last?"

"Oh, three of her orgasms. Maybe three and a half if those lovely little afteshocks count. Goodbye."

"Goodbye," says Melanie as she closes the door.

As soon it's locked, she slips her hand into her panties, finding them soaking wet.

"God, Haytham, you magnificent bastard. Wonder if there's memories of this from Ziio's side."


	4. Abstergo Adult Entertainment present "A Sexin' Need: Pirate Booty"

A quiet day in  the Abstergo Entertainment building, around half past 9 am.

"Dear god what the fuck?", Leslie gapes at the computer with an expression of utter astonishment. "I do not know if I should be worried, apalled, aroused or pretend I didn't see it."

"What is it Leslie?"

Marlene leans over his shoulder to see the poster for "A Sexin' Need: Pirate Booty". While relatively clean and tasteful, it still leaves little doubt as to what kind of game it advertises. There is Edward, in all his blonde, tattooed, half naked glory, and three other men, including one with black skin and an impressively powerful built, and two women, one quite curvy, in a corset that barely covers her nipples, a flower crown on her head, the other in a man's wet, half-open shirt that clings to her modest but perky breasts leaving hardly anything to the imagination, her hair held back by a red bandana. She reads over Leslie's shoulder:

"...awash in depravity and debauchery ... and Edward Kenway plans to make the most of it... Follow him on his search for fortune, treasure, and pleasure... gay, straight, and group sex scenes... I don't know. It's hot, in a way. There just aren't enough good orgies in porn."

"That's my father they're making porn games about."

"Leslie, you are not Haytham. Remember that. You're Leslie Franks, son of Thomas and Maria. Edward is not your father. And even if he were, well, everybody's parents had sex."

"You're not helpful. It's still mortifying."

"And you're still bleeding that prim, posh wanker", Marlene sighs. "I'll see about getting you shifted to another project as soon as possible."


	5. Nothing is Pure, Everything is Perverted

"How about a catchphrase?"

"What?"

Lars was always less than coherent coming out of the animus.

"A catchphase," repeated Dominique, as though she was adressing a child that might or might not be retarded. "You know? For the porn videogame we're making."

"Ugh, don't even remind me. I just came out of the animus where I spent half an hour giving Mary Read, yes, the famous pirate James Kidd Mary Read, a historically accurate rimming until she came. Because apparently, nothing's too perverted for a certain pirate assassin."

"That's it!"

"What's it? What it?"

"The catchphase. 'A Sexin' Need: Nothing is pure, everything is perverted'."

"No."

"Yess!"


	8. Shut up, Father.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little joke. Relationships: Past Haytham/Ziio and current Connor masturbation.

"Ah, there you are!" Haytham Kenway's perfectly conversational voice accompanied the man's sudden and ill-timed appearance in Connor's peripheral vision. "I must say you picked quite an unusual spot for self-pleasure, though I probably should have expected that. You must get that from your mother and myself, we got up to all sorts of things in all sorts of places. Why, I am reasonably sure you yourself were conceived on a church spire. Either that, or in that haystack  afterwards."

"Shut up, Father", grit out the Assassin.


End file.
